SQL Dumbass: Recent Comments

Comment on Turbo Button

Chameau — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 09:28:21 GMT

Hilarious. I think you could swap out DBA with programmer, manager, CEO...the possibilities are endless.

I think you need to add in additional columns for things like "willing to work each and every night and weekend".

Comment on Sadly, this is true

Chameau — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 14:44:36 GMT

Sounds like we hit a nerve. Try not to take everything you read here at SQLDumbass personally. Most of the DBA's that contribute here are very helpful, even if you are an idiot. They will go out of their way time and again trying to help those that want help, but that still does not stop us from shaking our heads in disbelief.

I am certain not all DBA's are perfect, but I am also certain not all developers are either. At the end of the day, if you cannot laugh at yourself, then you need a vacation.

You should also understand that stories being related in a blog do not always come through as well as if they are told personally. In other words, if we were at the pub having a beer we could swap the same stories and you would not come away with the same feeling as if you had read the story on a blog.

It sounds as if you are frustrated with your current DBA, but I am willing to bet if you spent more time together you would develop a strong working relationship. In the case here, what you are not aware of is that this developer routinely shuns details. For example, after filling up the log once, they demanded that their database be put into simple mode in order to avoid the disk from filling up again. We tried to explain what is meant by simple recovery mode to which they replied "I don't need to know those technical details, just make sure the disk doesn't fill up again." Now, this is a developer that walks around proudly displaying their MCSD designation. Sorry, but what solutions are they certified to develop such that they do not have an understanding of transactions, recovery mode, etc.?

We are not asking them to know everything, only a fool would expect someone to know everything. What we are asking for is that they have a desire to learn things, to not be stubborn, and admit mistakes when they happen. And yes, the same can be said of DBA's.

Enjoy the rest of the stories. If you would like to contribute, let us know. SQLDumbass is about anything related to SQL, so it can be a post about developers, Microsoft, or DBA's. It doesn't matter, we just want to protect identities, but share some funny stories. If you want to rant about your DBA, then this is the place to do it.

So, don't get your knickers in a twist about what you read here!

Comment on Turbo Button

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 08:20:44 GMT

/* Recruit a DBA */
-- Create the post
DECLARE @DBAPost TABLE (
[Name] varchar(50) Default 'Dave',
Qualifications INT NOT NULL,
HeadSize BigInt,
SocialSkills TinyInt )

-- and get the best candidate
INSERT INTO @DBAPost
SELECT [Name], Qualifications, HeadSize, SocialSkills
FROM dbo.Candidates
WHERE Qualifications IN (SELECT TOP(10) PERCENT Qualifications FROM dbo.Candidates)
AND HeadSize IN (SELECT TOP(5) PERCENT HeadSize FROM dbo.Candidates)
AND SocialSkills is null

-- anyone fit the bill?
IF (SELECT COUNT(*) FROM @DBAPost) = 0
EXEC spu_GetMoreCandidates

Comment on Turbo Button

Lens Ton — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 07:33:45 GMT

Yeah we get this kind of crap from our DBA's all the time. optimising a query required specialist knowledge that programmers just do not come across, or get trained in. We positively avoid the DBA at our place, he's just an ogre that STOPS anything happening, so there are all sorts of ways to bypass him in the chain of things, The boss knows this and insists on having the sa passwords, which he gives to developers at his discretion because he knows there will be no help from the DBA

Comment on Sadly, this is true

Lens Ton — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 08:42:14 GMT

This is Typical DBA response to a genuine problem - just mock the guy who doesn't have your specialist knowledge. The guy had probably given up asking for real advice from a DBA years ago. I can imagine how this went: Q."Why does my logfile keep growing and using up all the disk space" DBA gives no help, but offers to 'truncate' it. Q."After you truncated the log, how come its still taking up 95% of the space it did before" DBA gives no help. Q."Can't we just delete it" DBA - no can't possibly do that. Then one day - the DBA is on holiday, another contract DBA does what we want - detach, delete logfile, reattach. it seems to have no deleterious effects - so it becomes the "standard" solution to when the logfile has grown too big - developer goes away happy. The next time it happens, Mr original 'no help' DBA is back.

Comment on Turbo Button

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 16:57:16 GMT

Wow... That's just being a BSOFH... DBA's keep trying to train developers to seek out DBA's for help and you pull a stunt like that... that developer will never trust you ever again.

Comment on I geta call from Microsoft today

BillyGates — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 13:23:17 GMT

Yeah - sorry about that - we really should have dba's doing the phone calls for our surveys rather than some $8/hr kid with a clipboard. I will try to get that fixed for you.

Comment on Why is the systems so slow???

Bocho — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:55:24 GMT

I wish it were that easy. However, we have allowed the operations folks the ability to create these individual rules, set the priority, and tackle each one as a single event. Hit the db, report back. repeat.
So, they cant be done in a set based approach....

Best we can figure to do is profile the data, organize the priorities, and hope that the least amount of rules are executed before finding a match. And hopefully this will speed it up.

Comment on Why is the systems so slow???

SuttungrsMead — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:32:26 GMT

Oh that one is special. Tell me, out of 139 individual checks, how many of them could have just been added to the WHERE clause of the original INSERT statement?

Comment on Locked out

bocho — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 13:27:01 GMT

So, i take it from your tale, that you can have a user that's not a sysadmin? i didnt think that was possible... all users should be sysadmins... makes security a lot easier... hehe