SQL Dumbass

Fighting dumbasses, one query at a time…

You Need More Booze

Dear SQLDumbass: I hate Oracle, Java, and Macintosh. Does this make me a bad person? -Gramps

Dear Gramps: How old are you? Most people your age love things like Oracle and Java and can even remember when Apple had a majority share of the home PC market. So why all the hate? What does it matter to you that these products even exist anyway? At your age you should be more concerned with killbots because those bastards are going to kill you no matter what you hate. They don’t care about Oracle, Java, or Macintosh, and neither should you. My advice is to buy a big magnet so that the robots get stuck when they try to enter your bedroom late at night. If the magnet idea works you can sell it to other old people at a huge markup. You’re welcome.

Dear SQLDumbass: I can’t connect to the database server, it says ‘login failed’. What should I do? -PJ

Dear PJ: Clearly you don’t have access to the server for a reason and I am not about to tell you how to bypass authentication by using the ‘Joshua’ secret password with the WOPR login because helping you hack into a database server is just wrong. But if I did help you then there is a chance we could end up hanging out with Dabney Coleman which would be awesome because we could ask him all sorts of questions like “what is Martin Mull really like?”

Dear SQLDumbass: My boss has no idea what a DBA does on a daily basis. Every time I try to talk to him he tells me that he doesn’t understand what I am talking about. I suppose it’s my fault for using big words like “database” around him but do you have any tips on how to talk to a non-technical manager? -LB

Dear LB: It really doesn’t matter because that boss was allowed to rise to a certain level of incompetence which happens to be right above your head. Instead of trying to talk in small enough words for him to understand you should just offer to buy him booze. If you buy him enough booze eventually he won’t care what it is you do for work every day. And if someone ever comes around asking him questions about your job you can rest assured he will stand up for you because he knows their is booze on the line. I would start him with some rum, then work your way through some clear spirits such as gin and vodka before starting in on something like tequila. Either start buying him booze or start looking for a new job because no one wants to work for a boss that doesn’t understand what their employees do each day.