SQL Dumbass

Fighting dumbasses, one query at a time…

Get Used To Disappointments

Dear SQLDumbass: I’ve noticed that there seems to be quite a few people changing jobs these days. Is the economy getting better? At what point can I expect a new job to fall into my lap like everyone else? -Obamaster

Dear Obamaster: For those people that hustle the answer is yes, things are getting better. Nothing comes without hard work, and the people you see getting new job opportunities have put themselves in the right spots at the right time. You seem upset that things have fallen into their lap, and yet you make no mention about the fact that they were invited over to dinner in the first place. If you want to be invited to the same dinner then you need to get up and out of your oval cube and meet new people because the circle of friends you have right now are not helping you at all.

Dear SQLDumbass: A developer just sent me an email that essentially told me that he expects I will write about a dozen different stored procedures for him. I have over 100 instances to administer, over 4,500 databases, and there are roughly 75 developers. No way could I spend any part of my day writing procs for him and the other 74 people (not to mention the dev, test, and prod deployments, although at least they would all be done correctly). The worst part? Well, since my boss has no idea what a DBA does on a daily basis, she went ahead and agreed with him and now everyone else is lining up to offload their work onto me. What should I do? -Screwed

Dear Screwed: Quit. If quitting is not an option, set your boss’s car on fire. If arson is not your thing, then agree to take on the extra work. For everyone. Then don’t do any of the work. When all of their deadlines pass without anything getting done and they come looking for you don’t panic. Just wait to see whoever screams the loudest. Then tell them you forgot about their code because it wasn’t put into a proper project plan and you are too busy working on someone else’s code because they knew enough to fill out a proper project plan and that the next available timeslot you have to look at their code is in six months because there are 75 developers and only one of you. But you are really not doing anyone’s code, you just tell people that you are working on something else. And when nothing gets done they will just give up and start doing it for themselves again. Meanwhile when they complain to your boss that you aren’t doing your job all you need to do is show your boss all of the items in your queue and ask them which one is most important. No matter which one she points to you tell her that you’ll get started as soon as it is put into a project plan. If she says that is your job as well then just tell her you need an extra six months to organize all the projects as well. Eventually they’ll get the idea. And you’ll get a few more bullet points for your resume.

Dear SQLDumbass: Our infrastructure team bought some crap-tastic product that continues to cause headaches for everyone. No one here, especially the rocket scientists that bought this pig, have any idea how to configure the product and as a result it is now over 500GB in size and has only been in production for a month. My favorite part has to be the SQL Agent jobs that it created, one of which will backup the log with truncate only every night. Why do most vendor products suck? -LB

Dear LB: I have no idea why vendor products are such crap. My theory is that most vendors try to create things that are able to be deployed anywhere. As such they are usually less than ideal for just about every place they end up being deployed. It’s amazing, but as they try to build something that is good for everyone they end up with something that is good for no one. I also believe that these places have few to no actual DBAs employed, at least not closely aligned with the development cycle. And there is always pressure to shove something out the door, to get money from a customer, and then make more money on support. So, yeah, you have a boatload of crap you now need to support because your IT guys decided to buy something without kicking the tires first. It happens a lot. Get used to disappointments.