SQL Dumbass

Fighting dumbasses, one query at a time…

Testing Is a Lot Like Rehab

Dear SQLDumbass: Why do all of our developers here hate testing their code before deploying to production? It is as if they have an aversion to ensuring a level of quality for their work. – MasterTester

Dear MasterTester: Most developers don’t care about quality, they only care about completing the task they were assigned and then moving on to a new task. And on top of that the whole idea of testing is kinda like going to rehab. You have to show up at a specific time, everyone gets a chance to see what you look like today, and you have to admit your mistakes to the whole group. Plus, rehab is for quitters. So in a way you could say that testing is for quitters. And we don’t need quitters here, we need people that like to have fun. And what could be more fun than deploying straight to production and getting everyone together to figure out how to make it work?

Dear SQLDumbass: We still have over 75 instances of SQL 2000, some of them running on Server 2000. I have tried for the past 18 months to get people to migrate off of these systems but no one really cares. They figure that if it is up and running then it is best if it is just left alone. Any idea as to how I can motivate them? – Jackson

Dear Jackson: Motivation is always a tough endeavor, as different people are motivated in different ways. The first thing you need to find is some common ground for everyone. In this case, it is their reluctance to stay current with technology. I don’t know what business you are in but most everyone tries to stay current with technology. Even farmers don’t want to be left behind and they have been around for thousands of years so they must be doing something right. So maybe the lesson here is for you to leave picture of crop circles around the office and tell people that aliens tend to target the people who don’t stay current with SQL versions. Because, you know, logic apparently has no effect on their tiny brains so you should cater to everyone’s worst fear: alien anal probes.

Dear SQLDumbass: We bought a vendor product and it insists on needing sa rights in order for it to run properly. When I asked for details on what it was doing that needed those right I was chastised by their sales guy who replied “…because we need to create tables. Unless you know of another way to get that done just give us sa rights for now so we can get started and stop wasting time.”  I tried to explain but by then my manager was already telling me to just do as I was told. What is the best way to handle this situation?- Cheryl

Dear Cheryl: I always recommend stabbing as your first response. A quick stabbing in front of everyone in the meeting, or even the office, is a sure-fire way for people to know that you mean business. If stabbing is not an option then I would recommend you find a new job that encourages having dumb people stabbed whenever it is deemed necessary. I would also advise that you start asking the vendor questions such as “who are your main competitors?” If this is the type of support you are getting now, at the beginning of an implementation, then you should treat this as a big red flag. Do your best to either dump this vendor, or dump their bodies, or both.