SQL Dumbass

Fighting dumbasses, one query at a time…

You’re Not Worthy

Dear SQLDumbass: I just passed exam 70-431, where can I get a job as a DBA? -Fred

Dear Fred: Oh, you’ve passed an exam? I’m sure the job offers will come rolling in, just be patient. After all, why should years of experience matter anymore? Just look at K-Fed for a great example of how well you can do without any appreciable skills other than being able to talk your way through a prenup, er test.

Dear SQLDumbass: I’m leading a class and for the past few days I’ve had to deal with smartasses who are taking the class arguing my answers with me or simply mucking around on Twitter all day long paying no attention to the subject matter.  What do you suggest I do about this? – Name Withheld

Dear Paul: Tell Brent Ozar to shut up and pay attention.  If that doesn’t work, throw an eraser at his head.  That worked for me when I was in school.  Then again, we had blackboards and erasers back then.  Perhaps tossing a chair will send a nice message to the lot of them?

Dear SQLDumbass: My girlfriend is complaining that I’m spending too much time at work and that it’s cutting into our social life.  I’m an Access DBA for a leading stock trading firm on Wall Street though and the work demands it.  How should I handle this with her. – Roger

Dear “Roger”: OK, am I getting punk’d?  Where do I begin?  Do I start with the fact that you have a girlfriend and are an Access Developer?  Yeah, I think I will:  What are you, their king?  When you all get together to talk shop I’m sure they spend most of the time asking you what it’s like to talk to a real woman?  Secondly, Wall Street firms are using Access for their database platform?  That explains so much.  Really, this failure at AIG, Lehman, and the Goldman Sachs wasn’t about default credit swaps was it?   It was about Jet.  Also, perhaps you’d have more free time if you were working with a better platform than Access to meet your needs.  Sure, it’s great for your quilting club, or for keeping track of your Star Trek memorabelia, but for the financial heartbeat of America and the World?  Seriously?

By the way, stop calling yourself a DBA.  D stands for Database in case you were unaware.  Also, stop calling her your girlfriend, it’s your Mom, isn’t it Roger?  Now go upstairs and take out the garbage like a good boy.

Dear SQLDumbass: I want to start telecommuting.  What do you suggest I do first? – One Foot Out The Door

Dear OFOTD: I suggest you stop showing up to work.  You may want to check with your boss first, but I leave that up to you.