SQL Dumbass

Fighting dumbasses, one query at a time…

When 1,024 Columns Are Not Enough

Dear SQLDumbass: I took a dba job at a shop where they just keep adding columns to the tables, when I tell them that we have to fix the architecture, they say they can’t spend the time to fix the database as the new request are so much more important.  What should I do? – Name Witheld

Dear Name: How many columns are they at right now? Because I wouldn’t worry until you got to about 1,024. After that you need to have what is called a wide table, and they can have 30,000 columns. Are you over 1,024 columns right now? On second thought, just quit now, and save yourself the time and trouble of doing it later on when they start asking you to “make everything just go faster”.

Dear SQLDumbass: Today I found a piece of vendor code that issues a ‘BACKUP LOG WITH TRUNCATE_ONLY’ command on the first day of every month at 8PM. My question is this: After I find the developer that works for this piece-of-shit-vendor-application and stab him with my pencil should I head out for drinks afterwards or just head home? I am thinking I need to make a getaway, but I may need something to take the edge off as well. – D.B.A. Cooper

Dear Name: Wow, that’s a great question. I would say that you should go have a drink. I wouldn’t worry about making a getaway. If you get arrested for stabbing that guy then you’ll need to be tried by a jury of your peers. In this case, that means twelve other DBA type folk, and there is no doubt in my mind they will see things your way.

Dear SQLDumbass: I keep getting an error message? – John

Dear Name: I’m not sure I understand your question. When do you get the error message? When you start your car in the morning? How about when you use the toilet? Do you get an error message then as well? Honestly, if this is the level of detail you provide the people you work with then I would expect that at some point you will see that Life itself is giving you an error message.