SQL Dumbass

Fighting dumbasses, one query at a time…

You Won’t Get Shanked

Dear SQLDumbass: I wrote a blog post slamming MS Access, and now I feel kinda bad. Should I be concerned that I will get shanked by a developer at the next office party? -B from Chicago

Dear B: I wouldn’t worry about slamming anyone with regards to MS Access. Anyone that cares about using Access is usually too inept at navigating the internet. Chances are they will never read your post. And the ones that can use a computer are too busy extracting data from Front Page and storing it in Access in order to be concerned with your blog.

Dear SQLDumbass: I’m tired of our DBA’s always complaining about needing separate disks for data, log, and backups. Why do the backups have to go on a different drive than the data? Isn’t it the same data to begin with? So I build servers with one big RAID5 and partition out different drive letters so they think they are getting different drives and they don’t know the difference. Morons. – Gary

Dear Gary: Nice. People like you are the reasons that businesses fail. I bet you are the same guy that builds a SAN as just one big LUN and hands out space as needed. I’m sure performance is through the roof in your shop. I’m also sure the DBA’s are smart enough to examine the disk subsystem to know enough about what you have built. Chances are they are waiting for a failure of some sort. That way, when they can’t recover, they’ll just point to their requirement that they asked for separate drives. When management realizes what a dumbass you are, you’ll be out and they’ll replace you with something more useful, like punch cards or a bag of used staples.

Dear SQLDumbass: Our DBA team here won’t let us be sysadmin and it slows us down considerably. Why are you guys such assholes? – Steve

Dear Steve: A better question is: why aren’t you? If you were more of an asshole then maybe you would be a DBA instead of pissing and moaning about the wonderful job they are doing in your shop. Next time you find yourself thinking bad thoughts about the DBAs there, stop and think to yourself “what can Steve do to be more of an asshole?”, and then go and do those things. You’ll get noticed, and quick, and pretty soon you’ll be right where you belong.